At the heart is my mother. In my father I no longer had faith. The bond was too weak. But the breaking away from her, the disappointment in her, hit and hits me much more.

Losing her, or seeing my trust in her shattered, cancels all my will to live. All of my security.

Maybe I don’t need to do and be anything in this life. All I need is my child love. A child love that I never had.

But my language also gets clogged up, tired, if it has no people to which it is directed.

Everything is pain and no way out is there

and yet it comes

It hurts in my eye, it is inflamed. My childhood lies in it and rubs.

I am so hurt by what I wrote to Esther. But we are not getting anywhere. No apology, no words can change it.

There is a human language beyond words.